Things I’ve learned about Fantasy Football

1. My third substitute will have a cracker of a game.

If my third substitute is a blind kid in a wheelchair, he will still manage to score more points than my captain. My captain will get a yellow card before being substituted in the 59th minute, whereas my third substitute, who is some obscure player that is fresh off the boat from Swaziland, will lead his team to glory by notching up two assists and a goal.

2. I will chase last week’s results.

Oh look, some “wonder kid” came off the bench and scored a 40 yard volley last week. I better transfer him in and captain him. I bet he’ll have a terrific season. And besides, Suarez is overrated anyway.

3. The person who knows nothing about football will be above me in the league.

They auto-generated their team or picked players on the basis that their names “sounded cool”. I researched player performances and looked ahead at their upcoming fixtures. Yet here we are, three months in… and I’m 43 points behind. They haven’t made a single transfer since day one, whereas I’ve used my wildcard and swapped out 17 players.

4. My gut is always lying to me.

Dude, you should totally purchase Aguero instead of Suarez. I bet he’ll have a blinder of a game this week. Take the -4 hit. It’ll be worth it. Just go with your instincts bro.

Suarez scores four goals and gets an assist, just to rub it in my face.

5. The key to success is doing the opposite of what I do.

If I’ve just purchased a player that you’ve had on your team for the past six weeks, it’s time to sell up. Seriously, his season is now ruined. He’ll be a non-starter or he’ll be dropped after a string of horrible performances. In one game, he’ll get sent off. In another, he’ll get substituted on for the last two minutes, just to complete a 1 point cameo and prevent your substitute and his unexpected tally of 8 points from getting a look in. For instance, I personally take credit for ruining Ben Arfa’s career.

6. If one of my players is injured, I’ll only find out about it after the lineups are announced.

Twenty minutes before the game is due to start and the lineups show that my captain isn’t even featured on the bench. Apparently, he picked up a knock in training or he was kidnapped by terrorists. Oh, and the player that the fantasy football website was telling me had a 50/50 chance of playing? He’ll skip onto the pitch and do well… but only if I took preventative measures and transferred him out the day before.

7. I will jump on the bandwagon when it’s too late.

Nah man, Ramsey won’t keep this up. He won’t keep scoring goals like this. Purchasing him now would probably be a waste of a transfer.

This was in the middle of September. Everyone in my league had him and he went on to get 34 points over the course of the next 4 games.

8. My defense will leak goals like a sieve.

I pride myself on the fact that I single-handedly destroyed Tottenham’s defensive record by purchasing Dawson. Up until then, the guy was notching up a shit load of clean sheets and bonus points. I also missed the Southampton gravy train by picking Fonte just before The Saints decided that they would start conceding three goals per game against the likes of Aston Villa.

9. Please don’t come on… Please don’t come on… F*ck…

One of your selected players is currently sitting on the bench, but you don’t really care because your first substitute is having a pretty good game. If everything goes to plan, said substitute will be inserted into your team and you’ll be lauding yourself for your astute tactical decisions. Unfortunately for you and your hopes of becoming the next Jose Mourinho, your selected player will be brought on during the dying moments of the game, just to help his team run down the clock. In a lot of cases, he won’t even get to touch the ball. This is the Fantasy Football equivalent of a cock block and it will happen multiple times throughout the season. Get used to it.

10. My goalkeeper will let in soft goals.

As soon as I select my keeper, his gloves will fill with margarine. If there was a game between my goalkeeper and a slight summer breeze, the slight breeze would win by about 3 or 4 goals. It doesn’t matter if his team is in complete control of the game. That clean-sheet-destroying goal will always arrive and it will come at the 70th minute mark, just so I can get to watch in horror as my points start to dissipate.

11. He’ll miss the next game…

This guy seems to be playing well lately. I should probably transfer him in right now and not wait until the end of the game like a normal well-adjusted person.

Five minutes pass…

“And that yellow card means that he will miss Newcastle’s next game.”