A list of some of the funniest Father Ted quotes.
I hear you’re a racist now father.
In the episode “Are You Right There Father Ted?”, rumours begin to spread that Father Ted is a racist who hates Chinese people (of course, this rumour is the result of several misunderstandings).
As Ted is standing outside of his house on Craggy Island, one of his elderly clergy members decides to strike up a conversation:
Elderly farmer: Hello there, Father.
Father Ted: Ah! Hello Colm! Out and about?
Elderly farmer: Ah, ya. Same as yourself.
Father Ted: Good, good!
*Ted turns to walk off*
Elderly farmer: I hear you’re a racist now father.
*Ted turns around in shock*
Father Ted: WHAT?!
Elderly farmer: How did ya get interested in that sort of thing?
Father Ted: WHO SAID I’M A RACIST?!!
Elderly farmer: Everyone is saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What’s the official line that the church has taken on this?
Father Ted: No… no…
*Ted is cut off before he can finish explaining himself*
Elderly farmer: It’s just that the farm takes up most of the day, and at night, I like to have a cup of tea. I mightn’t be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism.
Cocaine.
Mrs Doyle tries to offer Father Ted some cake:
Mrs Doyle: I have cake.
Father Ted: I’m fine for cake, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There’s cocaine in it.
*Father Ted looks noticeably shocked*
Father Ted: There’s what?!
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no. Not cocaine!
*Mrs Doyle rolls her eyes, as if she’s just after making a common mistake*
Mrs Doyle: What am I on about? No… I meant… What do you call them… Raisins!
Like a mad eejit!
During the episode “New Jack City”, Dougal comes barging into the living room like a bull in a china shop. He looks extremely disheveled and he is finding it difficult to keep his balance.
Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?!
*Dougal smiles, almost manically*
Father Dougal: I have Ted! I’ve been drinking like a mad eejit!
*Dougal looks across at Father Stack, who has proven to be a bad influence on him*
Father Dougal: No… no… oh wait…
*He winks at Father Stack*
Father Dougal: No I haven’t…
That gobshite…
In the episode “Good Luck, Father Ted”, Father Dougal uses a broken television screen to pretend as if he’s on the TV show Top of the Pops.
Father Jack, who has just woken up from one of his drunken stupors, reacts with anger:
Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television?
Ruud Gullit.
During the run-up to Christmas, Father Dougal becomes overly excited about the prospect of finding out what is behind each window in the advent calendar.
Father Dougal: God, I can’t wait to find out what’s under tomorrow’s window! I bet it’s a donkey or something!
*Father Ted adopts a sarcastic tone of voice*
Father Ted: Really? So you’ve changed from your initial prediction of… What was it again?! Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed.
A nice cup of tea.
Mrs Doyle and her obsession with tea proves to be a constant source of amusement throughout the show:
Father Ted: Mrs Doyle, do you know why July 19th is so important?
Mrs Doyle: It doesn’t matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn’t our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?
*Ted is visibly annoyed by such a comment*
Father Ted: No he didn’t Mrs Doyle!
The Needy.
After Father Jack contracts “Hairy Hands Syndrome” and is put into a special home, Ted and Dougal begin to reminisce about the “good times” that they all shared:
Father Ted: What was it that Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them…
Father Dougal: “A shower of bastards.”
Other funny quotes.
More funny quotes from some of the other episodes!
Ted and Dougal are having a conversation about cults:
Father Dougal: God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying that our Lord is going to come back to judge us all.
*Father Ted becomes visibly annoyed*
Father Ted: No! No Dougal! That’s us! That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there!
Mrs Doyle is telling Ted about the dangers of visiting mainland Ireland:
Mrs Doyle: We should all be very careful on the mainland. There’s a lot of crime around. Arsonists and muggers everywhere. My friend Mrs O’Dwyer was robbed last week.
Father Ted: Ah, no! How much did they get?
Mrs Doyle: No, I don’t think you understand, Father. She was robbed… they stole her…
Dougal is confused:
Father Dougal: Whoa! What happened there? The last thing I remember is feeling very drowsy and tired. I can’t remember anything at all after that.
*Ted is not amused*
Father Ted: Yes Dougal. It’s called falling asleep. You do it every night.
Ted attempts to explain that he’s not actually a fascist:
Father Ted: I’m not a fascist, I’m a priest! Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests…
*Mid-sentence, Ted realises that he’s about to put his foot in his mouth*
Father Ted: MORE DRINK!
Ted’s speech after he had uncovered a criminal conspiracy to rig a sheep competition:
Father Ted: He’s lost the trust of his sheep. That’s punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily… in sheep.
Dougal asks Ted a question about the afterlife:
Father Dougal: Do you believe in an afterlife?
Father Ted: Well Dougal… priests generally tend to have a strong belief in the afterlife.
Father Dougal: Oh, I wish I had your faith Ted.
Father Ted: Dougal, how exactly did you get into the priesthood? Was it like “collect 12 crisp packets” and become a priest?
Dougal and Ted are waiting for a group of bishops to visit their house:
*Dougal is looking out the window with a pair of binoculars*
Father Dougal: No sign of them yet Ted….
*A switch of the camera shows a group of puzzled-looking bishops sitting on the couch*
Father Ted: Eh… Dougal… They’re here.
After robbing a post office, Tom, the village idiot, explains himself:
Tom: No Father. Tis my money. I just didn’t want to fill out the forms.
Dougal confuses fiction with real life:
*Dougal is reading the TV guide*
Father Dougal: Ted, you’re not going to believe it! Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn’t… oh wait… no… it’s a film.
Dougal tells Ted about the school reunion that he attended:
Father Ted: Anyway Dougal… you were saying… about the school reunion.
Father Dougal: Ah yeah, I didn’t recognise anyone. And you know something?! They all became firemen. I was the only one there that wasn’t a fireman.
Father Ted: Dougal… you didn’t go to a fire station by mistake, did you?
Father Dougal: Ah!
Ted muses about Catholicism:
Father Ted: That’s the great thing about Catholicism. It’s very vague and nobody knows what it’s really all about.
After Ted is falsely accused of being racist, he resorts to giving a cringe-worthy slideshow presentation about how great the Chinese are:
Father Ted: The Chinese – A great bunch of lads.